The Holidays are Harder When You’re a Caregiver

Modern Prairie sits down with AARP’s national family and caregiving expert, Amy Goyer, to talk about how to lighten your load.

In the best of times, the holidays can be a lot. There are meals to prepare, family gatherings to plan, travel to book, and gifts to buy. When you’re a caregiver, the season can feel especially overwhelming. How can you make the holidays special for everyone without running yourself ragged? What’s the best way to respond to family members who aren’t caregiving, but have a lot of opinions about how you’re doing things?

Modern Prairie asked Amy Goyer, AARP’s national family and caregiving expert and author of Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving, to share her best advice about how to lighten your load, let go of guilt, and hopefully find a little holiday joy for yourself this season.

Modern Prairie: Why can this time of year feel especially hard for caregivers?

Amy Goyer: The holidays can be very overwhelming for caregivers because they are already extremely busy. Then, add additional stress of the holidays—because we all want to make the holidays perfect and joyful and for everyone—and it can feel like a lot of pressure to keep up with all your caregiving tasks and everything else in your life.

There can also be a lot of grief around the holidays if you’re caring for someone who is changing. Caregivers might feel ambiguous loss, which is when someone is still here, but isn’t quite the same. You might have a sense of grief or even anticipatory grief if the person you’re caring for is close to the end of their life. Grief adds another layer to holiday stress. So, it can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster, especially if we’re putting a lot of demands on ourselves.

Modern Prairie: For caregivers reading this who are already exhausted, what’s your advice for making it through the holidays?

Amy Goyer: Focus on what’s most meaningful. I cared for my parents for over a dozen years. At one point, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t do everything. I had to ask, What are the things that will make it feel like a holiday for me and for my parents? I made sure the Christmas tree was up and decorated, even if I had to get help doing that. I bought poinsettias, which are my mom’s favorite. We watched the movie A Christmas Story, which was my dad’s favorite tradition.

Ask yourself, What are the top three things that make it feel like the holidays? Then, do those things—and maybe only those things—and try to focus on what you can do more than what you can’t do. 

Joy is our greatest survival skill as caregivers. So, look for what brings you joy and have as many moments that bring you joy this holiday season as you can.

 

Modern Prairie: Asking for help sounds simple, but it can be incredibly difficult—especially for those of us who are used to taking care of everyone else. How can caregivers ask family and friends to pitch in without feeling guilty? 

Amy Goyer: That’s key—not feeling guilty about asking for help. Guilt is something that's useful when you've done something against your morals and values. But feeling guilty about not doing the whole nine yards for the holidays is not useful.

My best advice is to be very specific when you ask for help: Could you please mail my Christmas cards? Could you come over and spend two hours with me decorating, because we'll get twice as much done in the two hours I have than if I was doing it by myself?

And remember, people often want to help—they just don’t know how. By asking them to do something specific, you’re giving them the opportunity to be a giver.

 

Modern Prairie: Many caregivers struggle with mixed emotions. They love the one they’re caring for, but may also feel frustrated or even resentful about everything caregiving requires. How can we make room for those feelings without being hard on ourselves?

Amy Goyer: The most critical thing is to understand that these feelings can coexist. You can be angry, resentful, and frustrated—and you can love and want to take care of the person who needs you.

There will be people in your life who don’t fully understand. They may say things like, “Oh, but you’re so lucky you still have this person.” Well, of course you know that. That’s not helpful, though. You need somebody who’s going to listen and validate what you’re feeling and not judge you for it. You can talk to a therapist, or maybe you have a friend who really understands. Tell them what you need, even if it’s just a little validation. 

A caregiver’s group can also be wonderful. We have 30,000 family caregivers in the AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group on Facebook. That’s a great place to express difficult emotions, because you know others are going to understand, validate what you're feeling, and support you.

 

Modern Prairie: The holidays can shine a light on complicated family dynamics, especially when one person is doing most of the caregiving and everyone else has opinions. How can a caregiver navigate this scenario without letting resentment take over?

Amy Goyer: First, have realistic expectations. Your family members are who they are. You can’t change people. Try to anticipate what they might say so you can prepare how to respond. When I was caregiving, I always envisioned being coated in Teflon. Anything that came at me wouldn’t stick. Maybe you imagine yourself surrounded in a bubble to help you navigate these situations.

It also helps to anticipate situations that might be difficult. Let’s say an out-of-town sibling comes for the holidays, sees Mom for the first time in a year, and has a lot of opinions about her care. Consider giving your sibling an update before they arrive—a phone call or video chat where you say, Here’s what’s happening. Here’s what I’m doing about it. I’m not asking for your permission or approval, I just want you to be aware because you’re part of the team. You could also plan a family meeting after the holidays, so you’re not bringing up tricky topics when you want to be celebratory and can enjoy good times together as a family.

Most importantly, remember that you’re never going to please everyone. Be open to suggestions from others, but trust that you’re doing your best. There are no perfect caregivers; they don’t exist. When I was caring for my parents, I often felt like a failure and I feared others were judging me. Then I realized that being a successful caregiver means doing your best and simply showing up. Once I changed my mindset, I had a lot less stress and stopped beating myself up. It made a big difference.

Modern Prairie: What is the one thing you want all caregivers to remember this season?

Amy Goyer: It’s important to take care of yourself, especially when you feel extra busy. If you’re a caregiver, you might feel like this is a time for less self-care because of all the holiday to-dos. But you actually need to put some extra effort into self-care this time of year, because the holidays add another layer that’ll drain you. 

So, get good sleep. Try to get some exercise. Sneak away for a five-minute walk. Try not to overdo it on the holiday comfort foods that won’t make you feel good in the long run. Do things to help you to navigate the emotional roller coaster so that you can experience those moments of joy.

This story was featured in First Fridays, our monthly gathering from Melissa Gilbert and Modern Prairie. Subscribe to join us on the first Friday of every month.

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