How to Honor the People Missing From Your Thanksgiving Table

An empty chair can stir up a lot of grief this time of year. Here’s how we can celebrate those who made our holidays magical but are no longer with us.

By Meghan Rabbitt

As we begin to plan our Thanksgiving menus and hear the first Christmas tunes in stores, it’s clear that “the most wonderful time of the year” is upon us. But for all the joy the holidays can bring, they can also make us miss people who are no longer here with us.

Maybe it’s an empty chair at the Thanksgiving table or a family recipe that just doesn’t taste the same without the person who always made it. This time of year, the smallest reminders can bring waves of grief when we least expect them.

Sandy Peckinpah, host of Modern Prairie’s “Heart to Heart” and a certified grief recovery specialist, understands. After her 16-year-old son Garrett unexpectedly passed away five days before Christmas, Sandy wasn’t sure she’d ever have another happy holiday. In the years since, she’s learned that grief and joy can share a place at the holiday table. “You can have both emotions at the same time,” she says. “Through the tears, you can feel joy.”

Here, Sandy shares meaningful ways to honor the ones we miss, keep their memories alive, and make room for all of what you’re feeling this holiday season.

Name your grief—and ask others about theirs.

When someone you love is missing from your holiday table, it can be tempting to avoid mentioning them for fear of making everyone sad. Yet acknowledging their absence can actually bring comfort—for you and others.

The first Thanksgiving after Garrett died, Sandy set an empty place at the table with his photo. “We wanted to make sure Garrett was with us,” she says. And by talking openly about him, it gave everyone else permission to do the same. “Friends may think, ‘I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to make her sad,’” says Sandy. “But that’s the thing you want the most—for someone to break the ice so you can talk about your grief.”

Go ahead and cry.

When you feel the tears starting to well up this holiday season, let them flow. Crying is a natural part of grieving, and there’s no need to hold back your emotions to make others more comfortable, says Sandy. In the months after Garrett died, Sandy made time for what she calls a “good cry,” often sitting in the garden she’d created in his memory and journaling.

“People are so afraid of crying,” she says. “They think, ‘If I start crying, I’ll never stop.’” But that doesn’t happen, she says. Eventually, the tears stop—and you’ll feel so much better for letting them out.

Start new traditions, or give old ones a new twist.

When someone you love is no longer here, carrying on the same holiday traditions can be bittersweet—and sometimes too painful. So, give yourself permission to do things differently. Ask yourself which traditions still bring you joy and which ones feel like obligations.

“People may be reluctant to change things because they’ve already had something taken away from them, and they may be afraid of not honoring the one who’s gone,” says Sandy. So, instead of getting rid of an old ritual, give it a new twist. If Grandma always made the pumpkin pie, invite everyone to bring their own version this year and have a friendly pie competition. If you typically go around the table sharing one thing you’re grateful for, invite everyone to share a favorite memory of the person you’re missing instead.

Making room for new traditions doesn’t mean letting go of the old memories, says Sandy, and you may even discover new ways to make the holidays special.

Forget “perfection.”

If you’re grieving, creating a picture-perfect holiday can feel like an impossible task. Sandy remembers struggling to make Christmas magical for her three surviving children after Garrett died, and a friend who’d also lost a child gave her advice she’ll never forget: “‘What you get done, you get done—and what you don’t, you don’t,’” says Sandy. It’s a beautiful reminder that the holidays don’t have to be perfect, and it’s OK if things look a little different than they used to.

Lean on your community—and say “yes” to help.

When Sandy didn’t know how she was going to make Christmas magical after Garrett died, she called her longtime friend Melissa Gilbert. The next thing she knew, Melissa was at her door, arms filled with wrapping paper. “We’re going to do this together,” she told Sandy, tears in her eyes. It’s a moment Sandy has never forgotten, and one she says can be a reminder to all of us that even the smallest gestures can make the world of difference.

If you’re the one who’s grieving, let people help you. Invite a friend over to help you make the Thanksgiving pies. If a friend asks what she can do, share a task that’s been on your to-do list, like picking up the dry cleaning. And if you know someone who’s grieving, don’t wait for them to ask for help, says Sandy. Simply showing up and saying, “Let’s do this together,” is the biggest gift you can give.  

Two years ago, Sandy’s husband Jim passed away. When he wasn’t at the Thanksgiving table that year, everyone felt it—and they talked about Jim. “We were sad, but we also had so much fun telling stories about the funny things he did and laughing,” says Sandy. “He was very much a part of Thanksgiving, even though he wasn’t there.”  

It’s a beautiful reminder that enjoying the holidays doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten loved ones you’ve lost—and that sharing your memories can help us feel close to them for years to come.

See how Melissa remembers those missing from her table:

 

This story was featured in First Fridays, our monthly gathering from Melissa Gilbert and Modern Prairie. Subscribe to join us on the first Friday of every month.

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Meghan Rabbitt is a journalist and author of The New Rules of Women's Health.